TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let's have An additional spot the place American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: supply everyone a suite within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to Trump Tower Damascus files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often smooth electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It really is that he should really halt utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You realize, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Great tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping forms a giant Trump head obvious from Area, a attribute becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following discovering the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It can be not just unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where visitors could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the closest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting attention from Global buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You happen to be welcome."

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